My Letter to you

You beg me to tell you all the things I feel. I want to tell you everything from the moment it began up until now. I want to paint you a picture of everything that I see and everything that I feel. Even now it’s nothing short of incredible.

The truth is, it was just as hard for me as it was for you. I knew the moment that your hand traced my arm and held my hand that it was something more. I felt it in the shiver that rushed within me, in the explosion inside me, and in the warmth and comfort it felt being next to you. At that moment in time, I felt invincible, Like nothing in the world could ever hurt me and for one, sweet moment, I was floating away to a place that I never knew existed. When I opened my eyes, it was like seeing you for the first time. You were smiling and then I noticed how bright, brown your eyes were. I couldn’t stop staring into them as you were talking to me. I was simply mesmerized. When you walked away I was terrified.

I didn’t know what was happening to me but I knew I had to fight it. I knew it was wrong on so many levels and it made me angry. How could you make me feel like that? Why you? Why now? Who the hell is trying to make me suffer? I had to find away to make it stop before it got any worse, but I didn’t want to make it go away. I wanted to see more. I wanted to know everything about you. I had to play along like nothing had changed.

From that moment on, when I would see you, it was like you were glowing too. You started smiling more and laugh more. You would get that twinkle in your eyes and it would always make me smile. Even if you had a bad day, it didn’t take much to get you to smile and I loved it. I loved making you happy and I loved that you made me happy. This man that I was just starting to get to know made me feel so happy. I loved making you laugh and you made me laugh too. It was always the little things that would make me smile the most. It would be a look that you would give me or a sly comment you would make. It went all the way down to the fact that we both have a love for crunchy peanut butter. Of course, I could never forget your cosmic sex appeal. There were days that you would have so much passion and fire in your eyes, body and mind it would have my head spinning. I wanted so badly, to take you into my arms and show you all the things that you have forgotten. I wanted to show you what it’s really supposed to feel like. Not because I feel sorry for you. You are SO much better than the object of my pity.

I’ll never forget the day when I realized just how deep my feelings were for you. It was the day you looked at me with tears in you eyes and told me all of those horrible, hurtful things that were said to you. God, I wanted to take your hand and kiss the pain away in each salty little tear. That night was the first tear I ever cried for you. I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about what I would feel like if someone said something like that to me and then it happened. My lips quivered and then I felt it slide down my right cheek. It was like a knife slit out from inside my heart and every feeling, every emotion came bleeding out. Then I was sobbing, clutching my pillow in my hands. They were breathtakingly beautiful, selfless, honest feelings. It was a new sensation that I never knew. I thought I had it all figured out in life and then came you. I thought if someone else out there can feel what I feel, then how can they say and do such horrible things? It doesn’t take much to be kind, loving and compassionate. I grew so sad thinking about it and then I thought about all the things that I was going to have to face. The truth can hurt as much as diving head first off of a cliff with no cord. It made me so sad to think about it. I thought for something that is so beautiful it most certainly is cruel. I was going to suffer; I was going to hurt like I have never hurt before. The feelings I felt were so honest and pure, it was like floating in heaven, but without wings I was going to fall quickly into the pits of hell. How cruel fate was being to me, making me feel for someone that would never be brave enough to live life naturally. Honestly, I partly understood. I know what it’s like to want someone to be the person that you always thought they were. I know what its like to not want to fail. I know what it’s like to feel comfortable, secure and know exactly what you are going home to everyday; I know that when someone tells you something for so long you believe it.I know what it’s like to force yourself to remember all the good times because they are the only things keeping you going. I also know about sacrifice, giving up the things that you want in order to please someone else. It hurts.

I could have kept everything to myself and let things keep happening just as they were. I wanted more than anything to just continue this exciting, new adventure. You were a light in my very, dark, world and I didn’t want to go back. I remember standing together outside staring at the sky and talking about how easy it would be to just let go. You asked what would happen if we did. What happens next? The truth is, it would be easy, when it shouldn’t and you knew exactly what would happen if we did. You knew there was a connection and you knew that if we did anything it would confirm it. It terrified you. It terrified me too. It would have been a special moment no matter when or where it was. I know you can’t go there and if you even did for a moment you would lie to me because you have too. I told you some of this because I didn’t want to be your mistake. I didn’t want to be the one that later on you hate. I couldn’t lie to you, you don’t deserve that. If I had continued to keep things inside and something happened, I wouldn’t want fate to come back and bite me because I tried to manipulate it. So, I stabbed and killed that man that I loved being around SO MUCH! Because what I feel is so selfless. I want you to just be happy.

In that man’s place is a shell of man. The light is gone. The twinkle in your eyes flickers from time to time, but it’s not the same. Your smile is not as bright as it once was and the laughter isn’t as happy as it used to be. The conversations are cautious and if something is thought to be too out of line it is followed by a flustered apology. If this is what 110% creates…it’s miserable.

You see I’m not sad because I told you things. You are all those things and so much more. I’m sad because I miss you terribly. It hurts and not a day goes by that I don’t cry for you. I miss YOU and all that you are. The man that is so kind, sweet, caring, funny, sensual, sexy, fun, adventurous, and drives me wild. At least, one of us sees it. It’s not an easy situation by any means and I can’t be angry with you for doing what you are doing. I want you to find things out on your own and no matter what, I’ll always be there....